'Superman Returns': A Heap of Homo Hype
It's a Bird ... It's a Plane ... It's Definitely NOT Gay

By JEFF SIMMERMON & KENNETH HILL

Editors' Note: Reading this won't make you any straighter or gayer than the X-Men.

Kenny, for the past several months, all we've been hearing about is the supposed swishiness of ‘Superman Returns.'

Jeff, we don't say "swishy" anymore. But you're right. 'Superman Returns' became the most anticipated gay movie of the summer. I was so excited to see all the juicy gay subtext surrounding my favorite superhero fantasy man. There was so much hype that even you, straight-guy-on-campus, noticed.

When Defamer, Towleroad, and The Advocate, not to mention mainstream media, are going full-bore about the ways in which ‘Superman Returns' screams gay, it's sort of hard not to. You were particularly tickled by that TMZ piece, ‘Superman or Super-Gay?'

For months, the hype was all gay and all-powerful, to the point where Warner Bros. freaked about scaring off teenage boys, and everyone attached to the film then started to say it was straight as a railroad tie.

It's been a hype roller coaster. Straight press -- like USA Today -- started writing about all the gay press, and the whole thing just kept snowballing. The problem with that was that the hype was based on what people WANTED the movie to be about. Nobody writing about this movie had seen it. The power of hype overpowered the movie.

But in terms of the homo-hype, your people are just as much to blame as mine.

Well, your people started it. It was The Advocate that had the HOW GAY IS SUPERMAN cover, not Playboy.

 

The Advocate never actually said Superman was gay, but the headline and the cover art were smart marketing ploys on their part. Straight people are just all over anything gay these days, it seems. Basically, you can't get enough of us.
 
 

I think I've already had about enough of you. But we are digressing. We saw ‘Superman Returns' together on opening night. What did you think?

I think I had to buy my own popcorn, which is not what I'm used to when a guy asks me to the movies. But as far as the film goes, ‘Superman' is super fun. I loved it.

 
 

As did I. But how gay was Superman, Kenny?

Superman is about as gay as the NFL armed with AK-47s. There's not a gay thing in the whole entire movie. No subtext, quips, nods or winks. Nothing. We've been duped! If the movie wasn't so good, I would feel really let down.
 

It's hardly surprising. Superman's only weaknesses are Kryptonite and his love for Lois Lane . His love and past lust for her are the central themes in the movie.

As Bryan Singer said, ‘Superman' is the most heterosexual movie he's ever made. When he denies ‘Superman's' gayness, it's not over-protesting, he's just telling the truth.
 

He should know, considering he defined the X-Men franchise, which is the gayest series of action films ever created, and is himself gay and out .

Maybe everyone thought ‘Superman' would be way gay because a gay guy made it? I think that's called stereotyping. Not everything gay people do is gay, you know.
 
For example: your taxidermy collection. Could you find any tangentially gay elements in the movie?

Just a few little teeny things, and then a couple of things we gays just get to own about Superman.

 
Do tell.

Well, besides gay director Singer and the ambiguously not-gay Kevin Spacey, the most fun one is that producer Jon Peters was a former hairdresser, then the manager and eventual boyfriend of Barbra Streisand. Isn't it funny how everything in life really does somehow relate back to Barbra?

But here's what we gays do OWN about Superman: the fact that Brandon Routh is so utterly delicious on screen that gay men can really exercise our appreciation of male beauty. And we were naturally drawn to the super-crotch controversy.

 

Super-crotch controversy? Please elaborate.

According to unsubstantiated Internet lore, one reason Bryan Singer hired Routh was because of his super-sized "power crystal". Then, once he got into that tight-fitting suit, everyone was like, “WHOA! We can't show that on the big screen! It would be 10 feet tall!” So they had to digitally reduce it, supposedly. But I've heard Singer and Routh both say that isn't true.

That is gay as hell. But look: All the gay stuff you mentioned about 'Superman Returns' is just background radiation, attributable to the fact that it's a movie, and therefore showbiz -- which is always a little gayer than say, farming. And all superheroes are a little bit gay, just because of the tights and the secret identities. But this isn't enough to make it a secretly gay film. Superman is for everyone -- gays included.

Well, sort of. He doesn't make straight guys look that good.

That's true. For gay guys, we either want to be him, or date him -- but you have to compete with him. You poor slobs.

I mean, Lois's man in the movie was a wealthy journalist with his own airplane. And I'm sorry, but I'll believe a man in red pleather drag boots can love a woman and save the world before I'll believe a journalist can afford that kind of crib and his own airplane. And you don't need to be gay to know that he was more than a little easy on the eyes, too.

It's true. I see what you're saying. Her fiancé was hot and rich -- and yet he might as well have been a security guard at Wal-Mart standing next to Superman.

He was the kind of curve-wrecker I sorta hate on general principle, and then Superman came along and wrecked his curve, too.

If the pressure to compete with the Man of Steel becomes too great, you can always consider going gay.
It's very appealing, except for the sex with men part.


See Comments, Add Yours | Read Last Week's Column

Don't miss the gripping column that takes a naked look at straight men, gay men and the women who love them both. Sign up to receive the latest issue. Alert Me


AOL Gay and Lesbian's Straighten Out is a weekly column in which a straight guy and a gay guy tackle everyday topics, sexual orientation and answers to stupid-ass stuff you always wanted to know about "the other team" but were afraid to ask.

© 2008 AOL LLC. All Rights Reserved.
AOL@Gay © 2008 AOL LLC. All Rights Reserved.
▲BACK TO TOP