Editors' Note: Reading this won't make you any straighter or gayer than you already are.

I can't believe 17 percent of you thought George would be anywhere near a potluck, or a Shoney's, much less be willing to "playfully clash ladles over the cheese sauce at the breakfast bar" with me. Nearly a third of you were right, though.

Yes, it was a dream I had. The dream and story came out of this incredible amount of frustration I was feeling at the time I wrote it -- I'd been placed in the “friend zone” by one too many female friends. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that my bruised ego just needed to chuck someone else into the friend zone in a major way to prevent a total hemorrhage and collapse.

We got some really nice letters and comments about the Clooney column. However, we got some real flaming bags of dog poop, too. Check out these little nastygrams:

Didn't any of you people go to a big city high school and notice that the drama club was almost competely made up of f*ggots and fat girls?

Aren't you aware that some of these marriages are arranged by managers and/or publicists, and that some of these happily married couples don't even live in the same houses?

Most actors will go with anyone who is attractive, important, rich, has a good coke connection. I have never met Mr. Clooney, but he seems to be attractive and intelligent. Why would he be interested in a seriously conflicted geek who appears to have a 38 inch waist?

--Phlpwnfld

Let's move on to some reader mail:

Dear Jeff & Kenny: I really dislike that homophobes get labeled as Christian fundamentalists, and that Christians sometimes get labeled as gay-haters. Personally, I'm a devout Christian, and I don't think that anyone should hate anyone else for any reason. We are taught to love everyone. These so-called Fundamentalist Christians are not Christians at all in my mind.

-- August

Sorry you dislike that. I dislike that gays get labeled as hedonistic, sex-crazed, over-achievers, but I've learned to accept the fact that this is how God made me. Unfortunately for you, Christianity's most vocal and visible cheerleaders are giving you a bad name. The likes of Jerry Falwell, Beverly LaHaye, Fred Phelps and countless other so-called Christians – not to mention that guy at the Vatican – aren't just labeled “gay haters”, they are gay haters. They're career gay haters, and they do pretty much anything they can to get their legions of followers to think the same way.

So yeah, I know that there are many good Christians out there, but until you guys can wrestle Christianity back from people who think making gays miserable is going to get them into heaven, you've got a serious PR problem on your hands.

You guys are great! I have to say I envy you. As a gay man, I've always wanted a straight friend I could ask anything and annoy to death with my gay-centric views. I do have a few questions:

1. Do you live in the same city and see each other for work?

2. Do you consider yourself co-workers or friends? Do you ever do things together socially outside of work?

3. Jeff, if the answer to question 2 is yes, would you have a similar friendship with a gay man outside the workplace? In other words, are you open to gay friends, or were you just gay (friendly) for pay?

I'm not drunk when I say, I LOVE YOU GUYS!

-- Rick in Seattle

You are so right that every gay man could use a straight friend to annoy with our gay-centric views. It's really fun to have someone like Jeff actually be interested in learning about gay culture, even though it's very foreign to him and has little application to his reality. I can assure you as well, however, that annoyance goes both ways.

Jeff actually thinks I would ENJOY going to a Priestess concert, standing in a room full of poorly dressed straight dudes with the decibel level creating an atmosphere wholly unwelcoming to polite conversation. And yet, he invites me to such events just about every week.

I must say though that I consider it a rare gift to hang up-close and personal with a bona fide straight guy who will pretty much answer ANY question I ask him. Imagine getting into the straight brain on issues having to do with locker rooms, men's rooms, and what men REALLY say when they talk about women in private … and you will be imagining my life right now. I may just be the luckiest gay guy on the planet.

Kenny -- It's not that I think you would enjoy a rock concert. You've dragged me to drag shows, gay bars, pride parades, leather fashion shows. I've been massaged FAR beyond my comfort level by a lot of gay strangers in the spirit of this column, which is supposed to be about visiting each others' worlds and having a conversation about it. Whatever happened to gay men being versatile? It's time for some straight outings. The column's called Straighten Out, not Gay It Up.

Let me get this straight: Your ‘best friend' doesn't want you to be happy with a man, and freaks out when you express any interest in anyone other than him. You're scared to confront your “best friend” about a fundamental difference of opinion that is affecting your happiness, despite the fact that you are completely miserable. If this is your best friend, what is your worst enemy like? Gay or straight, this guy's an assh*le. If you were to have a romantic relationship with him, he'd be narcissistic, jealous and insensitive to your needs in even more ways than he already is.

This is not a normal, healthy friendship at all – it only exists because of the energy you put into it. Let that fade. Your crap friendship will fade and your self-respect will grow.

Are you into S&M generally, or is your love of pain mostly confined to fantasy relationships that will torment you until you figure out your safe word? Put down the crack pipe and step away from the gay. This is an unhealthy relationship on a number of levels, not the least of which is that you admit you're in love with a gay man. He's not Bi. Bi guys don't kiss and fondle women they are interested in, they have sex with them.

You need to leave this friendship. Stop seeing him. The fact that he gets jealous when you date guys only means he loves the power he has over you, not that he loves you. Maybe you can rebuild the friendship at a later time, but what you have right now isn't a friendship and it isn't a relationship – it's a dictatorship.

I stupidly dated a married man for 9 months, and decided to break it off with him. I still want to be his friend, and the feeling is mutual. Is this wise?

-Eric

In the gay world, we tend to be able to navigate unconventional relationships in a way that Jeff probably has a hard time understanding. Allen Ginsberg said, “I like the homosexuality where the lovers are friends all their lives, and there are many lovers and many friends.”

Dating a married man may not be right, or smart, but it happened. If you guys want to be in each other's lives as friends, it's completely possible to do. Just make sure it's not because you really just want to be lovers again, in which case you'll be headed down the same dead-end street you were smart enough to walk away from.

You're damn right I have a hard time with that concept. That's great advice when everyone involved is a great big homo, Kenny. But if you'll put down your pom-poms for a moment and read the letter again, you'll see that there's a straight woman involved in this little pink triangle. This isn't about the friendship between two men, it's about betrayal between a man and a woman.

Eric, women figure everything out, given enough time. And by ‘enough time', I mean, ‘real, REAL fast'. If you're his friend, she's going to pick up on the way you two look at each other or laugh at each others' lame jokes and figure it all out, and man, she is going to be in a world of hurt. Her feeling might not matter to you, but as long as your previous partner is married to this woman, her feelings better matter to him.