Could the Right Man Make You Gay?
By JEFF SIMMERMON & KENNETH HILL
Editors' Note: Reading this won't make you any straighter or gayer than you already are. |
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When someone comes out, it's not uncommon for a parent or someone to ask, "Are you sure that you just haven't met the right girl?" So, Jeff, not to be a gay recruiter, but are you 100 percent sure that you couldn't switch over and play for my team if you met the right guy? Go gay, I mean. | |
| I'm positive. It's just not going to happen. |  |
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How do you know? How do you know you wouldn't like it if you haven't tried it? Assuming you haven't tried it ... | |
| I don't have to try a cockroach sandwich to know that it's going to disagree with me. You just know some stuff instinctively. | |
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| Look, let's say you introduced me to this awesome guy who is tons of fun and there's lots of personality chemistry. Then maybe I decide to give man-sex a chance, and it turns out way, way better than I had planned on. He just rocks me inside out ... | ||
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Do tell. | |
| It would be wrong to have a relationship with this guy because I've got 29 years of lady-orientation under my belt. No Prince Charming is going to flip that switch. There's a billion tiny things that build up into that worldview, which makes this whole question ridiculous. I feel like I’m over-protesting here, but I just haven’t ever had gay leanings. |
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Come on. Can you not admit that you might be a little bit gay? You never, like, dreamt about a man-smooch?
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Sure. I had this one dream one time about George Clooney putting the moves on me, and I wasn’t into it in the dream, either. An anomaly, but a dream all the same. I kind of woke up, thought “Huh, weird,” and then went on with life.
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So you’re saying you’re 100 percent straight. Not even George Clooney could change you. |
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Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Why can’t you just take my word for it?
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| Gay people are always asked this “could you switch” question, so now I’m jabbing you with my pink pitchfork for a change. I do think most people probably don't really let themselves feel the full range of their sexuality once they sort of settle in to being one way or the other. Society really pressures people into having a set sexual identity – and it’s of course mostly pressure to be hetero. |
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| There’s just not the vocabulary to describe something this nuanced and complex, so we kind of round up or down. Like in math. Anything less than .5, and you round down to straight, anything more than .5 and you round up to gay. It’s not completely accurate, but it makes the numbers a lot cleaner on paper. Because really, in the scheme of things, that Clooney dream was a ripple, not a foundation-rattling revelation. But what about you? You ever have a … |
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The thing is, when I was in situations to sleep with women in my early 20s, I turned it down because I thought it might make me less gay, and I didn't want to be less gay.
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| Wow. See, if I have ever had the chance to shag a guy, I didn't know it. | |
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All right, clueless. |
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For real. Do you still get people who don't want to believe that you're gay? Do people think you could be changed despite the fact that you have over 300 Streisand songs on your iPod? |
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It hasn't happened to me personally for a pretty long time, but I probably am somewhat isolated living in my urban gayborhood. |
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I think that one of the greatest freedoms of adulthood is the ability to pick your own surroundings. |
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Yeah. Some people probably have that luxury more than others, but yeah. So, OK, I guess you're straight. Tried and true. Meeting the right guy isn't going to make you gay. |
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Kenny, you can talk about it until you're blue in the face, and argue it or hypothesize or whatever, but when it comes down to it, we are who we are and it's a lot more fun to accept it and work with it. |
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Agreed. We're on the same page, Jeff. I do think you're hot, by the way. |
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| Hey, thanks, man. Back atcha. |
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See. I knew you were a little gay. |
THIS WEEK, Kenny Asks Jeff: "When Did You First Know You Were Straight?"
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What's 'Straighten Out'?
Straighten Out is a weekly column in which a straight guy and a gay guy tackle everyday topics, sexual orientation and answers to stupid-ass stuff you always wanted to know about "the other team" but were afraid to ask.